silence darkness and tears

one of my biggest pet peeves is when people wallow in their sorrows

i hate when people constantly complain about how miserable their lives are.

i hate that people just cant be happy with their lives.

but sadly enough i am one of those people.

something that i honestly cant stand about myself is that i have depression. 

I HATE THAT!

ive dealt with it since i was 12 and i never told anyone

i didnt want help

i didnt want to admit it to my friends or family

i didnt want to be one of those people that cant get past all the sadness.

since then i have gotten help

lots of good help

but yet i cant get past this

and i dont know why.

i mean i have made tons of progress

and i really should be grateful for that but im still not happy.

do you ever just feel like you want to be left alone

but yet want someone there at the same time.

and the person you want cant be there.

you just want to find the quietest place in the world and hide there.

all you want is

silence

darkness

and tears

and all you really need is that person

to make you feel like you matter in the world

like there is something worth living for

that there is something more past all the hurt and sadness.

i miss that person

im glad he is where he is

but the selfish part of me wants him here with me

in this country, state and timezone

is there any hope in life

i know there is but as hard as i try i cant seem to find it.

i know that i just need to turn to Christ

so how come i just cant seem to do it and be happy.

im sorry for writing this

but one thing that i have learned is that i love writing

sometimes it is easier to release my feelings by writing

them instead of talking about them

i dont write this to make you feel sorry for me

im writing this so maybe one day i might understand it

cuz all i am right now is

lost

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